This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize