i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
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