I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Randomize
