I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
