That's your vagina. No one goes out and burns it
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
