how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
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