Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
it's great music for shaving your balls
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Randomize
