literally had 100 drinks last night.
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
Come back. Shots need mouths.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
