make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
