its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
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