She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
Randomize
