we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Randomize