you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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