i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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