My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Randomize
