I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
