If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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