How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
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