just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
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