You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Randomize
