can u get pink eye on your cock?
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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