True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
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