i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Randomize
