My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
Randomize
