I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Randomize
