Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Randomize