I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
Randomize
