my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
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