Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
