ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
then he tried to convert me to islam
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
