did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
