Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
Let's discuss options later this evening. I'll draw out said options and compare and contrast the "accessibility" of the costume for quickies. Because you never know. Halloween is full of surprises. I'll also compare practicality, level of skank, and creative features.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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