i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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