So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Randomize
