you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
I need to sanitize my soul.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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