and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
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