i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
