the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
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