Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
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