I checked into jail on foursquare
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
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