I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
