you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
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