4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
he quoted Bring It On. It's over.
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Randomize