I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
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