Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
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