dude i'm inner monologue high
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
We left the knife in your bed.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
Randomize
