I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
She tied me up with her honor cords...
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
