my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
no, there's no challenge. I live a humble lifestyle out of virtue.
You wear Armani Exchange.
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
Randomize
