im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Randomize
