if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Randomize
