best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
Randomize
