Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
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