well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
