he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
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