His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
