And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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