Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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