No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
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