someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
Randomize